October 2, 2012
Not exactly my favorite day......
I think that I sometimes fail to remember that this blog also functions as a journal of my family and our lives. I usually like to update it with pictures for our families back in Utah, for them to see the kids etc... and to keep a record of our weekly activities and experiences. There are a lot of 'good' times that I like to share and memories that I want to have recorded, especially because I publish this online blog into books. But unfortunately, I have neglected to do a better job at recording the 'bad' times as well. For those are the times in life that we tend to grow and learn the most! It is my hope, that someday as I reflect back on these past 6 years of my life that I will be able to recognize and remember the many ups and downs that we have experienced together as a family. And be able to see that through certain experiences and trials that we undoubtedly became stronger for it.
Yesterday was one of the bad days. And for my own journaling purposes I'd like to share the events of that day. But, before I begin, I have to say last Sunday as I was sitting in church with my kids (Steve was working a 26 hr shift) and we were singing
this hymn--I had a bit of foreshadowing of events to come. As the words to "More Holiness Give Me" flooded the chapel, I felt very emotional as I began to sing. More specifically when the following words filled my mind.....
"More Holiness Give Me,
More Strivings Within,
More Faith in my Savior,
More Sorrow for Sin,
More Patience in Suffering,
More Joy in His Service,
More Gratitude Give Me,
More Tears for His Sorrows,
More Pain at His Grief,
More Meekness in Trial,
More Praise for Relief
More Blessed and Holy,
More, Savior like Thee."
As I sang the words to this beautiful hymn, I said a silent prayer that morning that I'd be able to work harder and strive to have more holiness in my life. So when I got 'the call' early yesterday morning, to be perfectly honest, I was not all that shocked. Completely stunned of course to hear the news from the other end, but not shocked. I kinda saw it coming. A rush of memories from over 2 1/2 years ago came flooding back when I received a similar call from the same exact person that day in July 2010. The same feelings that I experienced that summer day, repeated themselves almost immediately. I found myself in the same emergency room, at the same hospital under the exact same circumstance. And in an almost eerily familiar way, I felt the exact same sense of relief that only a matter of 10 min. made the difference of Steve being in a car on the freeway at the time of the seizure. Any sense of anxiety or fear that I may have experienced was immediately replaced with gratitude that things didn't end up in a worse scenario.
How eternally grateful I am for that. So, here I am sitting next to my husband on his hospital bed, contemplating the WHY of it all. Why are 'we' here again? Last time, after a full and extensive seizure work up the results were inconclusive. And he has been on anti-seizure medication ever since then. Chalk it up to severe sleep deprivation, very long and taxing work days, extreme stress and fatigue, etc... and it creates a perfect storm for this sort of thing to happen to him. I wished that there was an easy solution to all of those things stated above. But, truthfully there is not. So, we press forward with humility and faith that these things are for 'our' profit and learning. That we do a better job of placing the "Things That Matter Most" ahead of the things that quite frankly, don't. I come away from this past 24 hrs feeling overwhelmed at the sincere kindess and love that has been showered down upon us. I draw so much strength from all of you! The almost instantaneous outpouring of love, countless prayers, words and thoughts of genuine concern have lifted us both up. I am amazed at how quickly people step up without being called upon, and serve without hesitation. Thank you all, it means more to me than you can possibly know. Steve received a beautiful blessing last night, and the words that were said-- were very sacred and meaningful. I will keep those feelings from last night in my heart for a long time. I do not know at this point in time what lies ahead, or what having a 2nd seizure for Steve will mean in his future, I do however know that for now, I am filled with gratitude in my heart and a hope for better days ahead!
I will gladly take the good with the bad!
